Best Man's Speech

Good afternoon and welcome
To this happy, gay affair!
The bride looks simply stunning
From her toes up to her hair!

She's glowing in her mini dress,
Her smile will last for days!
(Though planning caused her some distress;
From venues to bouquets)

And let us not forget the groom,
Who put up with all of this!
(In fact I heard he favoured
Gretna Green and a quick kiss!)

I would thank the bridesmaid too,
But she's not any good!
Her waters breaking up the aisle;
I bloody knew they would!

Furthermore the vicar was,
Now how do I phrase this?
Not so much for the wedding;
He was eyeing up the kids!

The Uncle of the Bride seemed pleased;
He'd had a bit to drink ...
Next time please sit him somewhere else..
He really does quite stink!

But all in all today has been
A rip-roaring success!
(Apart from when the flower girl
tore through the bride's white dress)

I really did enjoy the "hymns"
An odd choice, I'll agree,
I've never had to sing "Hells Bells"
In a wedding ceremony!

The photographer, too; What a find!
He really was quite keen
To snap the bride where'er she went...
Including the latrine!

The breakfast was delicious;
Really, what a spread!
Though I did expect much more
Than Marmite on brown-bread!

The father's speech was very good;
I just can't follow that ..!
Though I thought it was unusual
When he called his daughter "fat"

I really must applaud you now;
At least you've stocked the bar!
But variety is the spice of life ...
And I hate Stella Artois!

So please charge your glasses
With the carbonated wine,
To toast with me, on this special day
The groom and blushing bride.