Caped Crusader

I'm your local, friendly, vigilante,

Caped crusader, Robin Hood.

I'm the one that you call when there's

Trouble in your neighbourhood.

And I'm the reason the crime rate is high,

... You see, I'm just not very good!

Spandex is itchy and lycra is, too,

I'm reduced to wearing very fine wool,

Which is all very well if it's cold outside,

But heavy in rain and hot when it's dry.

My lazer-eye is just lazy and vision is blurred,

In a sprint-race I'm lucky if I even come third.

My strength is not super; I can't lift a child.

I suffer from asthma (though it is very mild).

My cape always gets caught in the doors of the bus,

Which is my transport of choice when I'm in a rush.

I am pyro- and acro-phobic, with extreme vertigo,

When chasing villains, so I'm told, I'm often quite slow.

A balaclava's my mask, as it matches my suit,

Although it brings up my hives, which are quite acute.

I'm scared of loud noises and the darkness of night,

I'll do anything if it means that I avoid any fights.

I suppose I'm not cut out for the Superhero Way,

Avenging the wronged and saving the day.

So you'll just have to stick to your local PC,

So good luck with that...

You'll be soon calling me!