March 2020

It's not completely silent; I can hear the birds

And my head is still spinning with those repeated words;

Quarantine, 

Lockdown, 

Virus, 

Death

Wondering what on earth could happen to us next.

Not a cloud in the sky and the sun is shining,

At least the rain is self-isolating. 

Hints and tips and tricks online 

For how to stay safe and stay inside;

Read a book, 

learn a skill, 

do something new

Not quite that easy if your side-kick is two...

My daughter's already worn all her fancy dress,

The kitchen's in a state, the living room's a mess,

I've logged into work on a lap-top on my lap,

My toddler has just tried to paint the ears of the cat

It's the start of the lockdown - I must work and care as well

Is this the embodiment of the phrase "a living hell"?

Well, at least we are healthy, and at least we're all fine,

But all of this could change soon as it's only half past nine.

Dial in to a work call...

My daughter waves "hello" 

Then wets herself and tells me that she didn't "need to go"

Put on the washing, make lunch, drink tepid tea.

Dial in to another 'zoom' with a background of "MUMMYYYYYYYY!!!!"

Put her in the garden, get an extension lead,

Sitting by the double doors and feel the spring-like breeze.

Lunch is rushed and panicked - just a sandwich and some crisps! 

It's impossible, and manic, how will we cope like this?

But... 

I'd dreamt of spending all my days with my precious child,

I'd spent most of the winter wishing days were warm and mild

I'd wished I didn't have to rush from here-to-there and then

Have to do the whole journey from there-to-here again.

It's the age-old story of the monkey's severed paw,

You really must be careful of what it is you wish for

I Don’t Want Breakfast in Bed, Dear

No, I don’t want breakfast in bed, Dear,

And I’ll tell you the reason why... 

if I have to clean the sheets again,

It will surely make me cry. 

No, I don’t want an “indoor picnic”,

A T.V dinner on the settee..

Because who is the one who’ll vacuum the crumbs?!

Me!! It’s always me!!! 

I want you to take the baby, Dear, 

So I can get some sodding sleep 

Or offer to wash the dishes,

Or give the floors a sweep! 

Or offer to do the laundry,

And tidy your clothes away,

Or take the baby for a walk,

For an hour... or half a day! 

I want you to dust the cobwebs,

Pick toys up off the floor,

Let me have a bubble bath,

And promise that you’ll never snore! 

I don’t want flowers or chocolates,

Although roses are quite sweet.

I just want you to help me...

And I just need some sleep!!! 

45th President of the United States

In this modern Post-factual age

Every newspaper, every page,

Is covered with the promises made

And broken

By the showman.

Bucking tradition of the Big Top Tent,

He forwent the Top Hat,

Favouring instead the inflammatory Red

Of the mop on top of his head,

A potent mix of fact and fallacy.

The definition of Democracy:

A State governed by the majority.

Or 46.5% apparently. 

"Friends, Romans, Countrymen,

(Of specific race and creed)

Lend me your ears, indeed...

I am one of you; I understand your need,

Yes I am full of dollars and greed,

But I share your thoughts, your deepest feelings,

I understand your want to keep glass ceilings,

Your casual racism, Your need to build walls

Your need for more malls,

Your chauvinistic, 

masochistic, 

capitalistic,

materialistic minds.

Your preference for reality TV,

Your preference for ME! 

You voted, you chose this, Q.E.D!

Let me tell you something about,

How lucky it is for you that I'm rich,

That nasty woman, Hilary, what a..” 

Way to win an election;

Just rhetoric and mis-direction.

The first 100 days in Office,

For the veteran novice,

Still wet behind the ears,

Young in wisdom, not in years.

The star spangled slogan,

Is vacuously re-spoken,

Repeated and re-tweeted,

A punchy add-on token.

Let’s Make America Great Again.

Armistice Day

I woke up this morning to listen to the news.

Hearing people’s views

on whether footballers should wear a poppy on their arm.

The Welsh team said no,

They said the penalty imposed would do them harm…

Imagine what the World would be like if one of our regiments refused to fight,

refused to risk their lives

for the lives of people they don’t even know…

but for a game, 

a game,

a team said no…

So it goes.

Dulce et decorum est. 

It is sweet and glorious.

Is it sweet and glorious to be swamped in mud,

or coughing up dust,

watching the blood dry?

A soldier doesn’t cry.

Marches on. Saves someone.

Gets injured trying.

Returns home to half the nation decrying

the need for a military.

Arguing the war was illegal, why can’t we just

discuss over tea.

Opium is a drug to forget.

To float in to a dream detached from reality,

Opium is a drug to forget,

It is found within the head of the poppy.

A poppy is worn for remembrance,

For respect. Not to forget.

Dulce et decorum est

Rat Race

It's cold, it's drab, it's dark, it's wet, it's either snow or sleet,

I'm waiting for the bus to come and I can't feel my feet,

And seldom on the bus do I find a wretched seat,

And when I do, I feel it is a very welcome treat.

The Beeping of the doors and the ringing of the phones,

And the chatter of the school kids and the smaller childrens' moans,

And the snoring of the business man plugged in to his headphones,

And the rolling of the wheels as the yawning driver groans,

Sticky are the windows, and sticky is the floor, 

Sticky is the stairway, and sticking are the doors,

And eventually they open, like an OAP's old jaws,

And I'm released back to the city and its relentless craw. 

Then Sucked in to the underground, the veins of London Town,

The multicoloured arteries that pump the hoards around, 

I descend in to electric light, "This lift is going down",

And down I go to platform edge, a sea of vacant frowns.

Eye contact is forbidden, please keep well out of my space,

I wish your stinking pits were not so close to my poor face,

And why must that man listen to such excessive bass?!

Counting down the stops 'til I escape this hellish place,

We're held at a red signal, My God I start to Pray,

And this; only the start of my outrageous, hectic day! 

All because I'm slave to a horrendously small pay,

And as I stand I dream of lands that aren't so far away.

The jerking of the brakes on steel, the stench of unwashed hair,

The stomp of boots, stiletto heels, "Lift Broken"; take the stairs,

Soon we'll be set free from the TFL Inhumane Snare,

One more flight of concrete steps and out in to the air.

It's cold, 

it's drab, 

it's dark, 

it's wet,

it's either snow or sleet,

I'm walking to my office and I still can't feel my feet. 

The Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the town,
Many creatures were buying such poisonous rounds.
Their stockings, with care, were pulled up to their thighs
And offered a treat for wandering eyes.

The children were nestled, all snug in their bars,
With dreams of an iPhone, computers and cars.
And mum in her onesie and I in my cap
Had just finished wrapping up all of the tat.

When out on the drive there arose such a clatter
I sprang to the porch to see what was the matter.
Back to the window I flew like a flash
And closed all the curtains and pulled down the sash.

By the moon behind clouds, I could only just see,
Objects on my driveway, familiar to me,
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But three drunken teens with a plastic reindeer.

With a little ring leader so lively and quick,
I knew in a flash whose reindeer they'd knicked.
More rapid than eagles, my anger soon came,
I whistled and shouted and called them some names.

"Now heathens, now youths, now terrible yobs,
Now ugly and frightening three-person mob!
Leave the reindeer in the drive or on top of my wall,
And dash away, Go away! Get away all!"

As Formula 1 cars race through the track,
They did not retreat, they did not step back,
And up to the house-porch the children soon flew
With tight glinting fists and the reindeer, too

And then, in an instant, I heard at the door,
Them banging and tapping and banging some more.
As I drew back from the window and was turning around,
The gentle twinkle and ringing of smashed glass did sound,

They were dressed all in black from their head to their feet
Through their black balaclavas our eyes they did meet.
The reindeer was bundled on the smallest ones' back,
But for their youth, I guessed they were on crack.

Their eyes, how they twinkled with what was to come,
One smelt distinctly of cheap, nasty rum.
Their chapped little lips were drawn up in a bow,
I was cornered and found I had no where to go.

The stump of a dog end was held in one's teeth,
And the smoke was hypnotic and smelt slightly sweet.
He had a closed little fist and a sparkling knife,
That glinted when he moved; a challenge to life.

They were scrawny and thin, a right sorry lot,
And I remained silent in the hope they would stop.
A wink of an eye and a twist of the head,
Soon gave me to know I had something to dread.

They spoke not a word and went straight to their work,
And filled all their pockets then turned with a jerk.
And putting a finger aside of their lips,
I knew that to make just a peep would mean chips.

They sprang from the house through the broken glass shards,
And ran like the wind through my empty front yard.
But I heard one exclaim, like a sinister sprite;
"Merry Christmas to all! And to all a Good night!"

A Wedding

A wedding is not just a pretty white dress;

The bubbles, the ring and copious guests.

It’s not just the bridesmaids or feathers or bows,

Or boutonnières, or lacey-topped hose.

A wedding is not just the stuttering vicar,

Or grandma’s penchant for a smidgen more liquor.

It’s not just the gift list, the favours, the cars,

Or ribbons or speeches or barely stocked bars.

A wedding is not just the wine and champagne;

The hope that there will be a stop to the rain.

It’s not just a kiss or a touch or a look,

Or the messages left in a damask-bound book.

A wedding is the start of the rest of your life

As a couple, inseparable; husband and wife.

 It’s the start of a journey that you will both take,

But much more than that; it’s all about the cake.

Stupid Bunny - On the Occasion of Creating Sugarpaste Bunnies

Stupid bunny; he’s so crazy,
Hopping through the fields all day!
With no care for happy daisies,
Trampled when they’re in his way.



Stupid bunny met a Farmer,
In his field full of corn
Said the Farmer to keep calmer
“Steady now; he’s looks forlorn!”



Stupid bunny kept on skipping,
Through the fields and down the lane.
Stupid bunny kept on tripping
Which ended in quite dreadful pain!



Stupid bunny thought “How funny!”
As he saw a steaming pie.
“Wait a minute! That’s my mummy!”
Stupid bunny cried and cried



Stupid bunny was so bereft
To see mummy in a pie
He packed a bag and then he left
Bye bye, Stupid bunny… Good bye!

On the Occasion of Matt's Birthday

Some pufflings were born in a zoo
And no one knew quite what to do
They were deliciously sweet
With tender young meet
So they were cooked up in a stew!

Promise

I promise you that,

In years to come,

I’ll still have all my

Habits.

And I promise, too,

Unless we do,

I will always want

A rabbit.

I promise you that,

When we argue,

I’ll always

Stand my ground.

And I promise, too,

When all is through,

I will come

Back around.

I promise you that,

When I am mad,

I’ll still lock myself

Away.

And I promise, too,

Unless it’s you,

It won’t be

Longer than

A day.

I promise you that,

I will endeavour to

Make you the happiest

Man in the world.

And I promise you, too,

That you have truly

Made me

The happiest girl.

I promise you that,

It won’t be very

Easy every

Day.

But I promise you that,

At least it will be

Exciting

Along the way.

I promise you that,

Sometimes you won’t

Like me

Much at all.

But I promise you that,

No matter what,

I’m in this with you,

Nattering, arguing, cleaning, cooking,

Playing, joking, talking, loving,

And all.

Card Games

Once upon a time ...
In a land where most have been,
A boy called Jack lost his heart,
To his beloved Queen.

He sent her diamonds every day,
He left cards beneath her door,
Inscribed "To My Queen of hearts,
Forever, only yours."

The King of Hearts heard of the boy
And so, throughout the land,
He orderd that he be destroyed,
By any means and hand.

It was a lowly gardener
Who found our lovestruck Jack,
He tried to kill him with a spade,
But conscience held him back.

The gardener informed him
Of his trophy for a head,
Wrapped him up some bread and meat,
And banished him, instead.

The gardener then told the King,
His spade had killed poor Jack.
The weapon was inspected:
No red blood, it was still black.

The King was really angry,
Betrayed by his own flock,
He still saw the only remedy,
As Jack's head on the block.

The Queen of Hearts was known for,
Her sweet and caring ways,
She told her spouse that Jack had been,
Banished for all his days.

Then she asked her Jester
To search for the saddest boy,
To tell him that she loved him too,
To bring him some small joy.

And so the wise court Joker,
Found the lad sat all alone,
Across a mossy, rotten log,
The boy was laying prone.

The Joker approached and whipsered
"Love pains and here's the rub,
All men have fallen for our Queen...
Chin up, Jack! Join the club!"

Love Letter to a Wheaten Friend

I hold you by my fingertips,
And push you further down,
In my hot, wet, deliciousness,
And let you slowly drown.

As you soften I release you
From my controlling grip,
You hover just above my cup,
From there I watch you drip.

Your round and perfect body,
Mouthwatering and warm,
Melts upon my eager tongue,
Losing its flawless form

I love you so, my dearest friend,
You're always there for me,
When times are hard and I'm alone,
I reach for the Rich Tea.

Hay Fever

Help me, someone! Please, oh please!
I'm getting so sick of my sneeze!
I just don't know what to do!
I go to speak than ... AITSCHOO!

My nose is running, my eyes are sore,
I sniff and sniffle then sniff some more!
I love the sun but am trapped indoors,
Lest I inhale those nasty spores!

I've tried eating honey, but what a mess;
I got it all over my new summer dress!
Putting Nettles in tea I have also tried;
But they stung so much I nearly cried!

All I've been left with is honey galore,
And stinging nettles upon my floor,
A depleting supply of tissues and such,
I just can not cope! This is all too much!

I'm really angry with bloody rhinitis,
I wish I just had some cureable virus!
So I wish you a summer to remember;
I'll venture outside come December

Perks

I used to really want to be
Your local, friendly, blue MP ...
But now that I can't claim my tax,
Or the castle for my cats,
Or the carrots for my stew,
My ipod and my Aston, too,
It has become quite plain to see;
Politics is not for me!

Curiosity Killed the Cat

The other day inside my house I had the curtains closed,
Whatever was I up to? I'm not willing to disclose!
I shut the doors and windows and used just electric light,
So that I could work on my project throughout the night.

Suddenly I heard a sound and span round in my chair,
There was a curious looking cat sitting inside my lair,
I was so angry, my eyes turned red, how dare it disturb me
When I was busy doing what other eyes shouldn't see?!

I can't remember after that, I was livid with the thing!
However I can safely say; it's no longer still breathing
So I strung its stinking, mangy corpse up in the hall,
With a sign that read "Let that be a lesson to you all!"

Old Dog New Tricks

As I am a magician I'm adept at hiding cards,
Then I make them reappear; It really isn't hard.

I moved on to animalia just the other day;
I had a dove inside my glove but it flew away.

I tried to hide white rabbits inside my magic hat,
Unfortunately they were found by Lucky, my black cat.

As for Lucky, that poor soul, he didn't quite escape,
I tried to cut him in two halves ... what a bloody fate!

I tried to save my guinea-pig from my magic Great-White's tank,
But before the shark got him - he gave up and he sank!

Last week I attempted to levitate my rat ...
It worked for a few moments ... until he went "kersplat!"

Now I am an aspiring escape artist you see,
The RSPCA did me for animal cruelty.

We're Going to the Zoo

Once a girl who was quite small,
(but not the smallest of them all),
Took a trip to London Zoo,
To see Giraffes and Leopards, too!

She paid the fee and in she went
"First," she thought, "the elephant!"
She marvelled at his wrinkled skin,
Tusks that his mouth could not fit in,
A trunk that thrashed around his face,
Splashing water about the place!

"Next" said she "The Crocodile",
I have not seen one in a while!"
The lumpy scales of river-green
The teeth that strip a carcass clean,
The eyes that produce such false tears,
The smile that just does not endear.
She ran away, scared of the beast,
Who might kill her for a feast.

She passed by the rhinocerous,
And the hippopotamus.
Then she found the Monkey's who,
Could not refrain from throwing poo!

"Slow Loris next, of them I'm fond!
Particularly if they are blonde!"
Into the little critters' house,
She crept as silent as a mouse,
So she wouldn't disturb their,
Slumbersome and quiet air.

The Slow Loris clung on to his tree,
Near enough for her to see,
His little, simple, smiling face,
The softest fur, the gentlest grace.

She skipped off to find giraffes;
They could always make her laugh!
She had always thought there were
A link between giraffes and her!
(She once wrote an essay on,
How giraffes are linked to men!)

"fifteen minutes 'til we close the gate,
It's really getting rather late"
And so, as the tannoy said,
The animals must go to bed!

As she went she waved good bye,
To the anteaters and porcupine,
"I'll see you soon, my fluffly friends!"
And so the day came to an end.

When she got home she fell asleep,
And dreamt the strangest dream,
She dreamed she was an antelope,
A snake and chimpanzee!
She dreamt that she could speak to
All the animals at the zoo,
And all that they could say to her
Was "Come back! We all miss you!"

Earl and Lady Grey

"My Goodness Me!" Exclaimed the Earl,
"I simply cannot find my girl!
I've searched everywhere, it seems,
Yet she is no where to be seen!

"I saw her last on garden path,
With orange blossom in her grasp,
Sweet bergamont scenting her hair,
She might well have returned there.

"Or maybe 'neath the lemon trees,
In the orchard where the breeze
Carries her scecnt for miles around;
It might be there that she is found."

At that point the clock struck four,
When a knocking at the door,
Informed the Earl that Lady Grey,
Had gone to town for three whole days.

He called his butler "Hello, Henry"
And Henry answered cordially
Said Earl "Have my apologies ...
"It looks like it's just me for tea!"

Pet Hates

What follows is a list of
Habits that offend the ears
They are a few pet hates of mine
That developed through the years:

I'd like to start with something
which, I'm sure you will agree
Shows off the ignoramus
To the very top degree ...

"Haitch" cannot be standed!
"Haitch" is not a word!
"Haitch" just makes my skin crawl
Every time it's heard!

Next we have the anaphors,
Reflexive through and through ...
"Myself" needs a "me" or "I",
"Yourself" requires a "you".

Glottal stops instead of "T"
I think should just be barred;
"Water", "shorter", "better", "wetter"
Is it really quite this hard?

"Who" is for the subject
Of the sentence you last said,
"Whom" is for the object,
Not just to sound learned

Don't even get me started on
The use of apostrophes ....
That is better left until
My rant on orthography

But worst of all are linguists,
Who try to maintain these rules
Which were thrown out of the window,
Leaving but well-spoken fools!